My youngest son struggles with an alphabet soup of diagnosis that, depending on which professional you speak with, dictate a wide variety of our lives. I’m currently doing on online school program with him which requires a great deal of time and energy (and we don’t even stay caught us) since he’s been back home from his latest treatment facility. He’s made great strides since then and is managing better and back in hockey, but our lives still revolve around his very real difficulties.
In addition to his issues, I have another son a few years older in his Junior year of high school. I have a dog and four cats to take care of, a full time job and sometimes a part time job, I’m taking college classes and I’m a single mom.
I know I’ve mentioned many times before about the anxiety and depression that also creeps up and rears it’s ugly head in my life. And lately, it’s been pretty severe.
Panic attack severe. Suicidal severe.
So Why in the world am I sharing this???
Sometimes, the voice of depression in my mind tells me that I’m not good enough. That I’m too broken. Too far gone. Nobody Cares. I’m a burden. And the list goes on and on…
Sometimes, regardless of what people around me SAY, I think they view me as all the above and then some. Just like they look at my youngest son and think that he’s horrible or I must be a bad mom who doesn’t know what she’s doing. I know they don’t understand – how could they? I can’t fit them inside my head…
But the TRUTH is…
- My son is smart and funny and talented. His growth, despite everything he’s dealing with, is proof of how GOOD a mom I try to be … not the opposite.
- Depression and anxiety don’t define me. You may see me as broken, but the simple fact that I’m still moving forward, striving to be real and honest and to seek God’s will and healing in my life… is not proof of my LACK of faith or how messed up I may view my relationship with God….it is proof that I am human and I need God to continually work to make me more Christlike … JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE
- The overwhelming thoughts and emotions, they come and go but I’m still me. This doesn’t mean that the intruding thoughts of not being good enough, feeling alone or unworthy, aren’t necessarily what I actually believe, it’s just what the depression is telling me, it’s what the anxiety is rolling over and over in my mind…no more real than the thoughts of how I’m just a burden
My faith is no more defined by this issue than by any other one. And I know I’m not the only one out here in the world that deals with feeling like this, and I’m not the only person out here who is doing their own version of being a freedom fighter… So please, remember that if you’re the one struggling… keeping on is not a sign of weakness… it’s proof of how strong you are…cause after all…we can do all things through Christ…even this type of battle.